He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I am midnight drunk by noon
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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