wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
