Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
