Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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