Already got asked if we're dating
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Randomize
