Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
