I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
is that a dick in a sweater?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
