I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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