i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
