My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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