I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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