i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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