we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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