I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
