to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
