I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
