hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize