You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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