Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
