I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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