her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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