You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
