I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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