I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
