If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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