every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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