Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
