my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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