Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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