You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
