then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Randomize
