I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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