Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
