Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
