How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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