When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
