I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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