someone threw a dead crab at me
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
