I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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