captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
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