Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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