Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
