I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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