Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Randomize
