apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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