ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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