I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
