dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
