I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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