I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Randomize
