she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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