Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
