i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
