jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
