were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
