I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
