Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
We're using joints as your birthday candles
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
