We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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