My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
