There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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