I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
