She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
