Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Randomize