His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
